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we connect on a wide variety of levels outside of our chosen profession. Our conversations span all manner of topics that over the course of my life I've found it difficult to connect with others about. But I find connecting with her to be a breeze, it just comes so naturally.
Sure, and the barista at Starbucks really is into you.
That being said, you do seem to have a few things most women want, ambition, hustle, and (I assume) upper-middle class income. Realistically best case scenario, become super besties with her, tell her that you love gwm, and see if she has any single gym friends. I can't tell you how to do this, only that it's your best case strategy. One thing a gwm's bf told me that always stuck, at a certain level, it becomes a sisterhood where they all kinda' know each other. Hope for a referral. In the meantime, get in at least decent (ie slim) shape and grow the business and your savings. Best of luck.
You have explained this very well actually. It truly does sound like hell.
The only advice I can give is rub one out when you get home HAHAHA
Hell is having no-one ever fitting that description during your entire working life.
I'm not sure why I'm even posting this. Maybe just because I need to vent. Or perhaps because maybe someone on this forum can relate.
I own a business. It's grown quite a bit over the years and has seen a measure of success. With growth comes the need for more help, and recently I hired an individual to fill a critically important role that will help us accelerate our growth even more. I interviewed several candidates, giving each multiple rounds of interviews with my other managers, putting all interviewees through the ringer. One candidate in particular rose to the top of our list so we made her an offer and she accepted.
Our assessment of her was correct. She is brilliant, strategic, a go-getter, and wildly successful at bringing in results.
However there is one teeny, tiny, small problem which I am gravely concerned could grow into a much bigger one for me: she is amazingly buff and very beautiful, exactly the type of buffness and beauty that really turns me on. I mean she is exactly my type, spot on. She dressed in professional attire for her interview and I failed to notice any muscle whatsoever.....if I had, I probably would not have hired her in order to avoid placing myself into the very situation I'm now in. If anything, I remember she seemed a bit underweight and scrawny because of how loosely her clothes hung. However our office attire is very casual (we do not receive vendors or clients in our office) and since she's come on board it isn't uncommon for her to show up in clothes that are made for physical activity. She doesn't take it to an extreme by any means, like she's never shown up in yoga pants or skin tight leggings, but let's just say her choice of blouses allows for a lot of ventilation and doesn't leave much to the imagination.
Needless to say this has all caught me off guard. I never saw it coming. Adding to my torment is the fact we connect on a wide variety of levels outside of our chosen profession. Our conversations span all manner of topics that over the course of my life I've found it difficult to connect with others about. But I find connecting with her to be a breeze, it just comes so naturally.
However I can't do anything with any of this. In addition to being my employee -- a successful employee in a critical role -- she is also happily married and has a family. So instead of me shooting my shot with her, I am forced to endure the worst kind of hell every day....looking at her, connecting with her, and then suppressing my desire. It is awful.
Making this worse is the fact my company is still very much in a growth mode which means I have to work insane hours. I don't have time for a social life, or even for the gym right now, and I'm not sure when things will loosen up enough that I can have a life outside work again. And in the meantime I'm not going to be meeting any girls at the grocery store. I am not an attractive man. I'm short, not especially good looking, and a touch overweight. There is nothing remarkable about me from the outside.
So there you have it. Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Thanks for reading.
You can do both. That is, you can grow your business AND enjoy going to work every day.
Her value to your company has to be greater than the lust quotient. Everyone working for the company - including yourself - is there to do a job. Never let that understanding of the arrangement leave the forefront. You're living many people's dream. Good luck.
I am not sure how I would react to this. I would just say don't complain and behave but muscular women like her are so rare it's definitely frustrating when you can't date them. it's normal since most women I meet already have a boyfriend so this makes it so men can't be picky. and most women are roughly equal in attractiveness they look good enough. but then you got these ultra rare muscle goddesses that drive you crazy. but like most women they either already have a boyfriend or have some other reason why dating you is not going to happen. and since they are so rare it sucks. while with normal woman you can just find someone else who looks just as good and it is not a big deal.
Man, I've been there. I had a similar situation with a built, beautiful, hot high school classmate who was dating a friend of mine. We took a handful of classes together, and we got along great. This included a weightlifting class, where she lifted more than ANY of the guys and could do like 20 pull-ups effortlessly, and, holy hell, a swimming class, where I watched her in a swimsuit every day.
It was like torture, until one day I realized something that really changed everything for me. All my upset was coming from some unexamined sense that I needed to have her, to possess her. As if something was wrong with my life unless I was hooking up with her (or someone like her).
Once I let go of that, I was able to just enjoy the pleasure of getting to observe someone so beautiful every day. I still got super turned on, but it started feeling great rather than upsetting (well, as long as I wasn't getting a boner in the swim trunks in class...). Plus I stopped resenting my friend too.
I hope some shift like that can happen for you too, because I definitely remember how torturous it was for awhile.
You talk about not shooting your shot but realistically, from your own description, that wasn't going anywhere. Dactyl talks a lot of sense on the best coping strategy.
Sure, and the barista at Starbucks really is into you.
That being said, you do seem to have a few things most women want, ambition, hustle, and (I assume) upper-middle class income. Realistically best case scenario, become super besties with her, tell her that you love gwm, and see if she has any single gym friends. I can't tell you how to do this, only that it's your best case strategy. One thing a gwm's bf told me that always stuck, at a certain level, it becomes a sisterhood where they all kinda' know each other. Hope for a referral. In the meantime, get in at least decent (ie slim) shape and grow the business and your savings. Best of luck.
This dude is probably right. If you’re close to her and talk about non-work topics, just bring up that you’re lookin to get out and meet some women. And ask if she has any friends. You have to do it in the right way. Even if you said something like, “you’re obviously pretty damn fit, you have any friends you workout with that might be interested?” Something like that
You can do both. That is, you can grow your business AND enjoy going to work every day.
Her value to your company has to be greater than the lust quotient. Everyone working for the company - including yourself - is there to do a job. Never let that understanding of the arrangement leave the forefront. You're living many people's dream. Good luck.
Hitting on a direct report also looks really bad because of the power imbalance. Especially in a smaller company when the owner is also the sole hiring manager, HR, and payroll person. You don't want to be fighting a harassment/retaliation claim.
Making this worse is the fact my company is still very much in a growth mode which means I have to work insane hours. I don't have time for a social life, or even for the gym right now, and I'm not sure when things will loosen up enough that I can have a life outside work again. And in the meantime I'm not going to be meeting any girls at the grocery store. I am not an attractive man. I'm short, not especially good looking, and a touch overweight. There is nothing remarkable about me from the outside.
Be wary of that burnout pace. I made that mistake when working for an early stage startup. It catches up with you all of a sudden. But it sounds like you have enough equity in the business to make it worth it temporarily (and frankly the authority to hire an administrative assistant to claw back some of that time). Regular exercise helps a lot. You just have to re-frame it as something you have to do everyday to not feel terrible rather than something you do to impress potential suitors with your Deadlift Personal Record.
But Wegovy, 30 minutes of gym first thing in the morning, elevator shoes, hair transplant, buy a 911 Turbo S -> mixed-attractiveness relationship with a foreign national? That method seemed to work pretty well for a Founder I used to work for...
I think maxfightmaster hit it on the head. This is your way in! Just be cool. Find some time to work out. Maybe meet some of her friends. If you get introduced as the great guy she works for you are already miles ahead of any dude trying to shoot his shot out of nowhere with a girl at the gym. You're thinking about this all wrong. This isn't hell, it's opportunity.
Don't romanticize her too much. Sure, if you have a bunch of stuff in common that great but that doesn't mean it would work out or if she would even be into you. No shade to you, you might be great, just saying.
Just stay cool. Maybe meet some friends through her. Hey, outside chance her and her husband divorce sometime in the future and there you are the non creepy guy that owns his own business.
Man, I've been there. I had a similar situation with a built, beautiful, hot high school classmate who was dating a friend of mine. We took a handful of classes together, and we got along great. This included a weightlifting class, where she lifted more than ANY of the guys and could do like 20 pull-ups effortlessly, and, holy hell, a swimming class, where I watched her in a swimsuit every day.
It was like torture, until one day I realized something that really changed everything for me. All my upset was coming from some unexamined sense that I needed to have her, to possess her. As if something was wrong with my life unless I was hooking up with her (or someone like her).
Once I let go of that, I was able to just enjoy the pleasure of getting to observe someone so beautiful every day. I still got super turned on, but it started feeling great rather than upsetting (well, as long as I wasn't getting a boner in the swim trunks in class...). Plus I stopped resenting my friend too.
I hope some shift like that can happen for you too, because I definitely remember how torturous it was for awhile.
Definite words of wisdom.
At the risk of sounding presumptuous, it sounds like you have built up and are attracted to this fantasy of her far more than you actually are of her. Yeah, she has a physique you find attractive, but given that I am sure you have only interacted with her in the office, can you say that you actually know her? And yes, I know that you have mentioned that "you have connected on a wide variety of topics," but that honestly doesn't mean anything, and I wonder if your physical attraction to her is making you perceive those "connections" more than if she weren't. Would you have the same connection with another worker if she was, say, overweight/fat but yet still was into the same topics?
You're a business owner. Be smart. Conduct yourself with a professional manner (and no, don't try to ask her to set you up with any fit friend she might have.) And I don't know if you are using hyperbole for dramatic purposes for the sake of this story, but if being around a muscular woman who is "unavailable" is torture and a personal hell for you, then that's not good and definitely not healthy.
I refer to this as our teenager pattern. Our hormones light up when certain characteristics are noticed. Our hormones encourage our mind to magnify those characteristics. Our brain is built to work this way. Once a key characteristic is noticed, the state of mind that follows wants to pull other characteristics into our teenager pattern... such as her voice, walk, clothing, smile... making the entirety of her fit into our pattern. It's biology and it serves evolution (reproduction).
The tough part is focusing on work and necessary tasks while hormones are doing their best to distract us.
One recommendation is to make sure you humanize her (not fantasize... don't feed the problem). Notice her work but don't watch her while she's working (if that makes sense).
This concern is present in everyone who finds someone at work attractive. Our pattern (on this site) is less typical, but everyone's mind responds to a pattern. In business, we have to manage our distractions (and ourselves) and control our focus.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate your encouragement and the different perspectives each of you has brought to this thread. However I think some of the assumptions that have been made about me, and about the situation, are not entirely accurate:
It was like torture, until one day I realized something that really changed everything for me. All my upset was coming from some unexamined sense that I needed to have her, to possess her. As if something was wrong with my life unless I was hooking up with her (or someone like her).
Once I let go of that, I was able to just enjoy the pleasure of getting to observe someone so beautiful every day. I still got super turned on, but it started feeling great rather than upsetting (well, as long as I wasn't getting a boner in the swim trunks in class...). Plus I stopped resenting my friend too.
I do not have a need to possess this particular individual. I do not think there is something wrong with my life because I haven't hooked up with her specifically.
Furthermore I do not have any clue if this girl would be into me if she wasn't already attached to another man. Note that I chose my words carefully when I said that I felt a connection. I did not say that she felt one. I have no idea what she feels. Probably nothing. Certainly I have no reason to believe she sees me as anything more than just another human whose path has intersected hers along the road of life.
Would you have the same connection with another worker if she was, say, overweight/fat but yet still was into the same topics?
In the hypothetical situation you describe, the same connection would be present but the feelings of physical attraction would not.
if being around a muscular woman who is "unavailable" is torture and a personal hell for you, then that's not good and definitely not healthy.
Thank you Captain Obvious. I don't mean to sound like a smart ass, but doesn't this go without saying? Of course spending time with someone whose presence induces this kind of hell is not healthy for me. At all. The whole reason I made this post in the first place was to vent because god knows there is nobody else I can talk to about this. And hopefully by venting in this forum it gives me enough relief that I don't slip up and say or do something in real life that I instantly regret.
The torture for me emanates from how this girl really, really turns me on, physically and mentally, in a way that very few other girls have in a long, long time......while at the same time I have no outlet for intimacy or sex in my life with an attractive woman. Put another way, imagine being lost in a desert for 3 days with no water. Once a rescue crew arrives they bring out a gallon jug of ice cold H2O. But instead of giving you the bottle of water, they dangle it just out of your reach as a cruel joke. This is an accurate analogy for my present situation. The end result is a feeling of frustration and despair.
Like I mentioned above, I am not, nor have I ever been, a desirable man. I am invisible to attractive women. It's been like this my whole life. Therapy and a focus on self-improvement brought me a bit of success 15 years ago. But I've never been able to consistently attract and sleep with desirable women. Sometimes the gap is measured in years. And now I am no longer young....I am 50 years old. Each passing day feels like grains of sand slipping through my fingers. Time is running out. Meanwhile, each and every day I am now taunted by a gallon of ice cold water dangling just out of reach.
Seems like you’re a guy with money to spend.
Book an escort. Session with an FBB.
Or combine both and see an FBB who also does full service escort work. They’re out there.
No need to miss out on sex and fetish fantasies if you can afford it.
I do not have a need to possess this particular individual. I do not think there is something wrong with my life because I haven't hooked up with her specifically.
To be fair, I did say "or someone like her". Because it really does sound like your pain comes from yearning to be with people you can't have, and it sounds like it might be causing you to avoid opportunities with people you can be with:
The torture for me emanates from how this girl really, really turns me on, physically and mentally, in a way that very few other girls have in a long, long time......while at the same time I have no outlet for intimacy or sex in my life with an attractive woman.
Would it help if you had an outlet for intimacy with someone else in your life, even if that person wasn't a Ferrari like this chick? I married someone who was my age and wasn't muscly, and she got more and more attractive to me as I got to know her better. Seeing hot muscle girls still turns me on but it feels good and doesn't torment me.
Would it help if you had an outlet for intimacy with someone else in your life, even if that person wasn't a Ferrari like this chick?
Only if it was someone I was physically attracted to.
I married someone who was my age and wasn't muscly, and she got more and more attractive to me as I got to know her better.
The way I read this, you married someone who you weren't physically attracted to at the time you married her. Perhaps this is not what you meant to communicate, if so I apologize for any misunderstanding. That said, I will not partner up with someone I am not attracted to. Being in a relationship with someone I do not find physically attractive would be a reminder each day that I have failed as a man. I know this from personal experience.
Let me be clear: my definition of physical attraction is not a hulked-out GWM that makes up less than 1% of the population. In fact my own definition of a GWM is far more liberal than what some of the people on this board seem to hold. I've seen comments on this website posted to pictures of girls -- girls who are in my opinion beautifully muscled -- which claim she doesn't deserve to be on the website because she is not big enough. WTF. I don't fall into that bucket.
Thank you for coming to the community to vent. I once told a female coworker who was into me "you're into the idea of being with me because in your mind it is so perfect but I promise I'm anything but that, but our friendship is, and if that is shattered for an imperfect idea than we are losing everything for a dream that will basically never come true". I'm sure she is connecting with you on a professional and platonic level and that's SUPER COOL to have a female muscle goddess as a coworker, you should feel lucky to have her as a work acquaintance. Maybe at the end of the growth phase of your work you and her will have a real good friendship and maybe that's a great thing too, especially if you can convince her to hook you up with a friend. Play it cool now, don't break the friend/professional zone. Whatever you do, don't obsess about what you cannot have, it breeds creeper energy and hot girls can smell that shit reeeeeeaaaaaal quick. As soon as you're branded a creeper, it's over mate
Dude, you need to stop.. She is your employee.. You are risking losing everything. You are her boss, so a huge change she is engaging with you based on that, but has no interest in you. The first time you say something she looks at as questionable or inappropriate it's all over of for you.
Keep everything on a professional level.. If you can't you may need to make an adjustment to how much you are around her. Is there someone else you can have as her first supervisor?
This dude is probably right. If you’re close to her and talk about non-work topics, just bring up that you’re lookin to get out and meet some women. And ask if she has any friends. You have to do it in the right way. Even if you said something like, “you’re obviously pretty damn fit, you have any friends you workout with that might be interested?” Something like that
This is one of the worst pieces of advice I have read.. No owner of a company should ever ask an employee to hook them up with a friend. So much can go wrong, so fast.
The way I read this, you married someone who you weren't physically attracted to at the time you married her. Perhaps this is not what you meant to communicate, if so I apologize for any misunderstanding. That said, I will not partner up with someone I am not attracted to. Being in a relationship with someone I do not find physically attractive would be a reminder each day that I have failed as a man. I know this from personal experience.
I probably wasn't clear. No, I always thought my wife was lovely, just not muscly. And on top of that, I got even more attracted as I got to know her better, before we were married. I'm just saying that in my experience it's good to have a fairly broad range for initial attraction level. Often as I have gotten to know people better, my attraction to them has changed a ton. Have any of the rest of you had that experience?
I'm not saying you should date someone you initially find repulsive. But it also might be tough to find someone if you're holding out for women who, on first impression, seem as attractive as your hot coworker. I mean, you don't have to live in the fanciest house in your neighborhood either, right?
I'm not sure why I'm even posting this. Maybe just because I need to vent. Or perhaps because maybe someone on this forum can relate.
I own a business. It's grown quite a bit over the years and has seen a measure of success. With growth comes the need for more help, and recently I hired an individual to fill a critically important role that will help us accelerate our growth even more. I interviewed several candidates, giving each multiple rounds of interviews with my other managers, putting all interviewees through the ringer. One candidate in particular rose to the top of our list so we made her an offer and she accepted.
Our assessment of her was correct. She is brilliant, strategic, a go-getter, and wildly successful at bringing in results.
However there is one teeny, tiny, small problem which I am gravely concerned could grow into a much bigger one for me: she is amazingly buff and very beautiful, exactly the type of buffness and beauty that really turns me on. I mean she is exactly my type, spot on. She dressed in professional attire for her interview and I failed to notice any muscle whatsoever.....if I had, I probably would not have hired her in order to avoid placing myself into the very situation I'm now in. If anything, I remember she seemed a bit underweight and scrawny because of how loosely her clothes hung. However our office attire is very casual (we do not receive vendors or clients in our office) and since she's come on board it isn't uncommon for her to show up in clothes that are made for physical activity. She doesn't take it to an extreme by any means, like she's never shown up in yoga pants or skin tight leggings, but let's just say her choice of blouses allows for a lot of ventilation and doesn't leave much to the imagination.
Needless to say this has all caught me off guard. I never saw it coming. Adding to my torment is the fact we connect on a wide variety of levels outside of our chosen profession. Our conversations span all manner of topics that over the course of my life I've found it difficult to connect with others about. But I find connecting with her to be a breeze, it just comes so naturally.
However I can't do anything with any of this. In addition to being my employee -- a successful employee in a critical role -- she is also happily married and has a family. So instead of me shooting my shot with her, I am forced to endure the worst kind of hell every day....looking at her, connecting with her, and then suppressing my desire. It is awful.
Making this worse is the fact my company is still very much in a growth mode which means I have to work insane hours. I don't have time for a social life, or even for the gym right now, and I'm not sure when things will loosen up enough that I can have a life outside work again. And in the meantime I'm not going to be meeting any girls at the grocery store. I am not an attractive man. I'm short, not especially good looking, and a touch overweight. There is nothing remarkable about me from the outside.
So there you have it. Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Thanks for reading.