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A little off topic from me but I know a lot of y’all have accumulated life experience. This is kind of a two fold question:
I have been crushing on a girl at church for a week or two now. Weekly we’ve both been at a semi-social thing (watch party) and I’ve served with her at church once or twice (after which is when I realized I wanted to ask).
I blew a nice opening last night but “justified” it to myself because I was going out of town the next day, so I won’t see her for like 2 weeks (which, I realize, would have been great to say hey let’s do something whe lm I get back).
I froze because I haven’t asked out a woman in person in maybe a literal decade. I got caught up in the app thing, covid, being awkward generally so this has been a bit of. Personal koi rain to climb.
I don’t feel like I let on two much. Last night I kind of asked her if she had plans this week and we talked for like a minute on our way to our cars (now you see why I beat myself up a little, I just froze).
I know next time I see her I will have the opportunity to chat for a few minutes in a chill and not weird space (according to my friends wife church girls love getting asked out in church).
So here are my questions:
did I fuck myself over?
how do I build myself up over the next two weeks so I don’t fumble the bag again?
ETA: I will say that based on my activity here she is nothing (physically) like you’d think so there is not a kind of aura around this of the whole fetish thing. She’s pretty, quiet, and ex gymnast I’ve heard but nothing I could tell from Looking at her. Also she wears socks and slides so a woman after my own heart
You're fine. She already has a boyfriend and you're safely in the friendzone. 😁
THANKFULLY doesn’t seem to be the case yet but if I continue to be slow af it will be lol
I don't have much experience with this. i guess you can tell by her body language if she likes you or not. like does she appear happy when she talks to you. Or does she appear bored or frustrated or tries to act fake happy
When we’ve talked she’s stuck around and talked and engaged. Didn’t feel like she was trying to wrap it up.
My upset from last night comes from I got the direction going where I wanted and then did not do the second half of what I wanted.
Everyone is different, but personally I find that making a big deal out of it only adds to the stress. It sounds like you're already overthinking everything and beating yourself up. The latter is not going to be good for your confidence when the time comes again. So I would just relax and take your mind off of it until you're back, then simply ask her out. That's it. She's a church girl, and she's already friendly with you, so you can rest assured that whatever her answer is she will at least be respectful about it.
Yeah, it's totally understandable to get nervous and freeze up in these situations. I've found it helps to have a plan of what you want to say. Maybe like: "After church on Sunday, do you feel like getting a latte or something over at Brewed Awakening? I would be glad to have a chance to chat with you some more."
I think that's less stressful than asking someone on a dinner-and-movie style date, because it's not a very big deal.
Whatever you do, good luck, mate -- let us know what happens (no pressure tho)
She's either into you or she isn't. You're not going to come up with the perfect thing to say that charms her, especially when you're getting this nervous about it. Just be direct and ask her out.
Long term, regardless of what happens with her, you need to work on your confidence. Beating yourself up because you didn't say the perfect thing is a telltale sign that you lack confidence in yourself. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome often go hand in hand. All else being equal, confidence is the biggest force multiplier that a guy has.
What @mittengoddess said. Analysis to paralysis.
And to expand a bit further, women decide whether you are potential boyfriend material during the 1st minute of interaction. Impossible to escape the friend zone if she already placed you there but very possible to end up there if you stall and not make a move. Women get frustrated when you don't progress things. In her mind she always sends signals but sadly men are incapable to read.
You have already familiarity with her which is a huge plus. You are not a stranger, make your move she will either deny politely or accept and both will go on your lifes. Rejection is way better than burning your brain with what if.
You can make it easier if you are already a social man and go out with friends, then you can invite her to join you at a preplanned event with other people. It doesn't sound like a date, you test the waters, but eventually you do have to make your move.
I am back from a travel day!
Thanks for the responses. Y’all are right I’ve overthought this in my head.
In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t ask before I left for the week. I would have been in shambles waiting for the day because a week is far too long between asking and doing. And I’m glad to have a week to let the anxiety pass. I’ll ask when i see her next where I’ll be in a comfortable place and a good position to talk. If she has the same response when we greet I’ll def be hopeful :)
Idk about yall but covid was really bad for me in this respect but also App use for dating where there’s little to zero emotional risk to ask. Trying to live in the real world now
...Does she have muscles ? Looking strong ?
Funnily enough she is not lol
Perhaps some professional counselling would help? Just a question for consideration, not a negative insinuation.
If she's intentionally putting herself alone in your company then that's a good sign. Does she ask personal questions of you when she does? That's positive also. Next time she gives you an opportunity to ask, make sure you do, as she's probably expecting it and not having the balls to "penetrate" the situation is not an attractive feature to a woman. Ask if she'd like to go for coffee/drink at a bar. Why do Americans do the full meal thing on a first date? Don't do that! Spending an ungodly amount on a meal puts far too much pressure on the woman to "reciprocate" early on.
If she's intentionally putting herself alone in your company then that's a good sign. Does she ask personal questions of you when she does? That's positive also. Next time she gives you an opportunity to ask, make sure you do, as she's probably expecting it and not having the balls to "penetrate" the situation is not an attractive feature to a woman. Ask if she'd like to go for coffee/drink at a bar. Why do Americans do the full meal thing on a first date? Don't do that! Spending an ungodly amount on a meal puts far too much pressure on the woman to "reciprocate" early on.
Funny enough a friend took a girl out on a first but it was to a neighborhood taco truck but she showed up in a dress? I mean it’s not the best first date place but idk what your expectations were that you showed up in a dress
I’m all about coffee or drinks first dates myself. More coffee since I don’t want to get too loose in the tongue haha
Perhaps some professional counselling would help? Just a question for consideration, not a negative insinuation.
A few years ago I had what turned out to be a good therapist but since I haven’t found one I like quite like that. My insurance doesn’t cover with her or else I’d return but definitely have been on the lookout for someone making me think about the hard stuff. I credit that period with getting me on my current professional path and keeping me employed the last 4 years
Funny enough a friend took a girl out on a first but it was to a neighborhood taco truck but she showed up in a dress? I mean it’s not the best first date place but idk what your expectations were that you showed up in a dress
I’m all about coffee or drinks first dates myself. More coffee since I don’t want to get too loose in the tongue haha
During COVID, when no restaurants were even open, I had one of the best dates of my life simply arriving at the park holding two coffees (I'd earlier asked what she wanted me to bring). We just walked around the park and eventually found a bench to relax. You really don't have to spend anything or much at all on a first date, in fact you shouldn't. We ended up dating for about a year and it was awesome. By the way, she'd been lifting for at least 20 years ;)
If you find First Date Mastery by Charlie Valentino on Amazon well, guess what, I wrote that book, so I'm not completely useless in this area :)
Anyway, good luck, I hope things work out.
I legitimately haven’t seen her since lol I know she’s been around but either I was out or she was. I’m keeping tabs
A little off topic from me but I know a lot of y’all have accumulated life experience. This is kind of a two fold question:
I have been crushing on a girl at church for a week or two now. Weekly we’ve both been at a semi-social thing (watch party) and I’ve served with her at church once or twice (after which is when I realized I wanted to ask).
I blew a nice opening last night but “justified” it to myself because I was going out of town the next day, so I won’t see her for like 2 weeks (which, I realize, would have been great to say hey let’s do something whe lm I get back).
I froze because I haven’t asked out a woman in person in maybe a literal decade. I got caught up in the app thing, covid, being awkward generally so this has been a bit of. Personal koi rain to climb.
I don’t feel like I let on two much. Last night I kind of asked her if she had plans this week and we talked for like a minute on our way to our cars (now you see why I beat myself up a little, I just froze).
I know next time I see her I will have the opportunity to chat for a few minutes in a chill and not weird space (according to my friends wife church girls love getting asked out in church).
So here are my questions:
did I fuck myself over?
how do I build myself up over the next two weeks so I don’t fumble the bag again?
ETA: I will say that based on my activity here she is nothing (physically) like you’d think so there is not a kind of aura around this of the whole fetish thing. She’s pretty, quiet, and ex gymnast I’ve heard but nothing I could tell from Looking at her. Also she wears socks and slides so a woman after my own heart